Family Values Newsletter:
Winter 2011
Teaching Patience
I was recently booked on a flight that was cancelled because of bad weather. There were about 300 people on the plane, and all of us had to re-book. There was a long line at the check-in desk, and, as I waited, just as frustrated and unhappy as everyone else, it was interesting to observe my fellow passengers and see how they were handling the situation. There were several people in the line who could not handle having to wait. They pushed in front of others, they paced, they told anyone who would listen how important it was for them to get to their destination. Several people got in screaming matches with airline employees.
This unpleasant scene made me think of one of the basic, though overlooked, skills that our children need, and that is the ability to wait and to tolerate frustration. This ability is necessary in order for children to develop persistence, an essential ingredient of overall success. We live in a world where convenience is a watchword. If we want a gallon of milk at 11pm the grocery store is open. Credit cards mean that we don't need to save for large purchases, we can buy right away and worry about paying later. The Internet has made communication and entertainment available instantly.
How do we teach children the skill of waiting? By not instantly responding to their every wish. Young children have very little ability to tolerate frustration, and tend to whine and cry when they do not get what they want immediately. That's not a reason to give it to them. Parents are teaching the skill when they refuse to interrupt a phone call to attend to a non-emergency, or say "I'll take you to the park/mall/your friend's house after I have finished what I'm doing." Parents can respond sympathetically when they hear "But I want to go now!" by saying, "Yes, I know that it is very hard to wait." Parents can also talk about waiting and help the child through the waiting time through planning. On a trip to the dentist's or doctor's office there may be some waiting involved. To prepare the child, the parent may say "We are going to the doctor's and we may have to wait a few minutes. I know that waiting is hard for you. Would you like to bring a book or a toy to play with while you wait?" Today's parents are finding that their smart phones provide instant entertainment and distraction for moments such as sitting in a waiting room. Electronic gadgets are so enticing, and give such immediate feedback that children become dependent on them at these times, and for that reason parents may want to limit their use.
For older children long-term projects, such as sewing, knitting, or model making help teach the skill of waiting. A child has to wait for the glue to dry on her model before she can do the next step. Sewing and knitting projects take time. It's also important for parents to set a good example, for instance when stuck in traffic or in a long line at the grocery store. In today’s environment of instant gratification, parents themselves may be less accepting of having to wait, and have a hard time when waiting cannot be avoided. Children learn from their parents how to respond to situations, even when parents are not consciously attempting to teach. There are times when we cannot control the reality that we have to wait – as I experienced at the airport – and modeling patience and acceptance help children learn how to wait.
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